Happy New Year 2024

I set up this blog a year ago. I was really excited and proud of myself for doing something that, to me, seemed ambitious and poignant as it had nothing directly to do with my children. Having been struggling with PND for months, I had planned for it to be an outlet for me to share my thoughts with other mums who might be feeling the same way, and hopefully make them feel less alone.

As it happened, the PND still hadn’t ended for me and I still struggled to find time to get my thoughts down “onto paper” aka onto a note on my phone! Whilst I felt as though I had plenty to say, I lacked confidence in myself and my ability to write coherently and make it something interesting.

It’s a shame, because I was, back then, in a very unique position – often solo parenting my 4 and 1 year old daughters, living with my parents, and trying to renovate my home which was at the time, completely uninhabitable. I had a lot to say. I have a few unfinished pieces which I may come back to eventually, but for now, let’s fast forward to today.

We’re finally back in our home. It is, of course, far from being finished. But it is warm and the children’s bedrooms are finished and that’s good enough for us at the moment.

We moved back in at the beginning of December 2023, and immediately we launched into Christmas festivities! I had recently joined the PTA (Parent Teacher Association) at my daughters’ school and so was (happily) involved in helping plan the Christmas “Cakes and Carols on the yard” event.

Added to that, there were Christmas concerts, carol services, Christmas lights switching on events, Christmas parties, Santa visits, friends and family to see, you get the picture – it was busy!

Whilst a little agitated over our fit-to-burst calendar, I actually revelled in the happiness and busyness of it all.

For the past two Christmases, I simply haven’t been able to be present as the pit of depression has had a tight hold over me. The sadness and feeling of being close to tears was crippling and I felt guilty for feeling this way. I have asked my husband if he knew I was depressed and he says no, but I wonder if he doesn’t want to offend me by saying yes.

If you asked my sister, she would likely say something along the lines of: “everyone was walking on eggshells around you” and to be honest, I’m not surprised. Looking back, it was hard to find the happiness in anything.

But now, wow! The difference I feel inside is huge. As a family we had a wonderful Christmas Day, it was relaxed, it was fun, we ate and sang and played and I even had a nap with my youngest!

I have let myself off the hook. I’ve allowed myself to feel everything and I don’t try to push anything down anymore.

I have always been my own worst critic, often holding myself to impossibly high standards, but now I take myself as I come. I try not to let other peoples emotions become my responsibility, particularly when it comes to my children. My mantra for the past few months has been: “other people’s feelings are not my responsibility”

As we head into the new year, I’m looking forward to having more fun with Ben and our girls and plenty more work to be done on our home. And finding the time to keep updating this blog!